Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 19, 2020

Ramona's Quotes for Posterity

White book page with words, hypothetical dialogue Stock Photo - 127529298



I always wanted to be famous enough to have my quotes immortalized on sites like BrainyQuote or Quote Garden, those places you can go to grab someone else's quote to make it seem as if it's YOU who is that smart or clever or impossibly witty. I love those places! But time's running out and it looks like it's not going to happen. Unless I do something, my brilliant quotes will go unnoticed, unread, ungrabbed, lost for all eternity. I see now I'll have to do it myself.

Not long ago (but not soon enough) I wrote a short thing on Twitter and it seemed so awesome, I thought, Damn! That's quotable! So I saved it to a file. Then I began pasting other Tweets into that file, and soon I had a bunch of quotes I really, really liked. (Note that writers sometimes like things they've written. It's okay. If we didn't like enough of our own stuff we'd stop writing and we couldn't call ourselves writers.)

I had this file I called "Ramona's Quotes" and I kept adding to it, and every time I did I'd read it again and I'd say, sometimes out loud, "Who wrote that? That is so good!"

And here it is. I'll be adding to it from time to time, so don't think this is the end of it.  Feel free to share any of them but be sure to spell my name right. Okay?
(R-a-m-o-n-a G-r-i-g-g. Thank you.)


The media can mold any story, any campaign, any election. Don’t ever think they can’t. And don’t ever let up on calling them out when they ignore their obligations to bring us the truth. They are the witnesses, not the jury.
...

Democrats on Democrats: It’s like being on a battlefield with your allies, thinking the way to fight the enemy is to find fault with the guys fighting by your side. There! That’ll show ‘em!
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Vote as if your country is in grave danger and you’ve seen the enemy. It can't hurt.
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Every time one of Trump’s insiders waits until it’s convenient for them to spill the beans instead of doing the right thing the moment they have concerns, the message to the country is, be afraid, be very afraid. Courage comes when you have more to lose than to gain. (On John Kelly’s revelations on Trump, long after his testimony might have helped to take him down.)
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Change your shame to pride and it’ll give you the energy to fight against this madness. It’s not our country I’m ashamed of or appalled by, it’s the leaders — and they’re always temporary. The only way we’ll change things is if we go in believing we’re worth the effort.
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Trump’s sycophants and followers are afraid to admit it’s that bad. They’ll go to great lengths to defend Trump, against all evidence to the contrary for one reason only: Reality would mean they might be complicit.
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The worst offenders are the ones who voted for Trump but have now disengaged and won’t talk politics because ‘it’s boring’ or they ‘can’t stand all that garbage’. It’s like walking away from their own hit-and-run. No matter how far they run or how much time passes, it will always be their problem.
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I know words and I know ‘inhabitant’ is clearly not the same thing as ‘citizen’. The Census counts inhabitants. The law doesn’t require that only citizens should be counted. We want to know how many people live in this country for many reasons and none of them are political.
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The worst thing that ever happened to the United States is our slide toward capitalism without tempering it with equal parts of socialism. We should know by now what a disaster it is to run an entire country as an oligarchy, but it looks like we really are slow learners.
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Trump is Trump and always has been. He’s incorrigible, irredeemable, and only plays at being president. He should never have been given a moment of power. There, American press, now build on that. For god’s sake.
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“Kids in cages”, “Black Lives Matter”, or “Women helping Women”, is like this: When my kids were growing to adulthood my rule was, whoever needs the most help at the moment gets the most attention. It doesn’t mean the others aren’t important or aren’t loved. 
And, bless them, they all understood.
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Reagan’s reign was the beginning of the end of our middle class. It’s maddening that he’s treated like an American hero when his first and foremost legacy is the destruction of an economy that favored all classes, not just the upper class. Trickle-down was and is a scam.
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Funny how ‘bigotry’ has so many meanings these days. It’s almost as if real bigots have no idea what that word means.
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John Lewis set the tone. He won the day by peacefully protesting with words, with empathy, with courage, showing us how we can be fearless in our righteous battles, even when winning is a long way off. It was, after all, ‘good trouble’.
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Democracies fall, not because wannabe dictators are out there — they’re always out there — but because there are enough citizens who are willing to pave the way for their particular brand of fascism. It’s those citizens who worry me the most.
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We’re not just heading toward a totalitarian government, we’re in the midst of it. We have to first admit the extent of our powerlessness before we can figure out how to change it. They’ve won and they’ve put us all in extreme danger. We can’t pretend otherwise.
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Whenever anyone says we have to stop being ‘partisan’ what they mean is ‘Democrats, give in’. The Republicans have no intention of working together. They drew the battle lines. Let the battle begin.
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The press is still using polite language when the times require brutal honesty. Racists, misogynists, bigots, etc., don’t deserve to be treated as anything less than what they are. They are not society’s norm, they’re abominations.
...

(To be continued. I'm thinking, I'm thinking!)


Saturday, November 23, 2019

I Would Make a Better President Than Donald Trump

Man, that guy in the White House is quite the amateur, isn’t he? What a screw-up! Hire professionals, I always say, especially when the job is the absolute highest in the whole damn land.

But if you just can’t bring yourself to trust a seasoned, professional politician, next time try me.

First off, if I came to the White House through some fluke (which is how it would have to be), I would know, without anyone having to tell me, that I was an amateur. I would be looking to the experts even before I went out into the Rose Garden to congratulate myself for getting to that place women hardly ever even dream of anymore.

I would admit that, at 82, I may be missing a few marbles, but not to worry — my BS-Meter is still working overtime. I would take a few questions, and if I didn’t know the answer, I would say, truthfully, “I don’t know.”

I’m not good at small talk or bullshitting but I would make a few jokes, just to get the press corps laughing again. (Because, lord knows…) They would be self -deprecating, but not so awful that I look really bad. Then, when someone gave me the secret signal to wrap things up, I would toddle off, waving, promising it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life…

Right after lunch (in the White House!!!) I would call my cabinet together and we would get to work. My cabinet would be mostly made up of experts in their field, but might include both Jon Stewart and George Takei. That’s still up in the air, but I feel like I’ll need them.

I would take my cue from FDR and hire people who wouldn’t shrink from the words “constitution” or “common good” as if they were inscribed on wooden stakes aimed directly at their hearts.
If I didn’t understand them, I would say, “I don’t understand. Can you talk down to me, please?”, and they would, because, as I’ve said, I know nothing.

I would leave the big money talk to the experts, and if they couldn’t agree among themselves, I would call in Robert Reich to settle the matter.

I would ask Rachel Maddow to become my Chief of Staff, and anything else she wanted to be.
I would hire Lawrence O’Donnell to be my speech writer.

Dan Rather would be in charge of Communications.

We would reinstate the press briefings and Connie Schultz would be Press Secretary. Jim Acosta and April Ryan would get reserved front row seats.

I would make Chelsea Clinton our Good Will Ambassador.

I would ask Christiane Amanpour to be my Secretary of State.

Merrick Garland would be Attorney General.

The Secretary of Education would be a public school educator.

The Secretary of the Interior would be an environmentalist.

The Secretary of Commerce would send shivers through big business.

I would beg Dolores Huerta to be my Secretary of Labor.

Malcolm Nance would head Homeland Security.

I would put Beto O’Rourke in charge of gun control.

I would reopen every closed Planned Parenthood clinic and make plans to open more.

Jacob Soboroff would take over the investigation into the refugee crisis on the border. Heads would roll down there until those families are reunited.

I would create a Citizen’s Committee on Congressional Oversight and put Maya Wiley in charge of it.

I would make few demands, but one of them would be that Ruth Bader Ginsburg must live forever.

And lastly, I would never, ever do anything to make Nancy Pelosi mad at me.

(Did I forget to say Maxine Waters would be my Vice President?)

So now that you’ve seen my hypotheticals, I hope you’ll think about them. Think hard. But don’t, whatever you do, write me in as a candidate! I mean it! Don’t do it! Don’t you dare write in R-a-m-o-n-a G-r-i-g-g.


(Cross-posted at Medium/Indelible Ink.)

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Please Note: There is no comment section until I can figure out what went wrong. If you would like to comment, you can do it at the cross-posted link or write me at ramonasvoices@gmail.com. Thanks.

Monday, November 4, 2019

Stop the Madness! Sign this Petition!




Hello, fellow outraged citizen. Are you as outraged as we are? Have you had enough? Are you one of those astute, sentient, breathing persons who has noticed that things are all topsy-turvy and upside down and going over a cliff and getting really bad?

They would like you to think that they've won and there is no hope and you're just a little pea in a pumpkin patch, but you're not! NO, YOU'RE NOT!! You can do something about it!! Yes, you!

Please sign petition to let everybody know you've we've had enough!! This kind of thing can't go on!!! Together we can make this happen!!!! We can slap the snot out of those monsters!!! Maybe not literally, but by tapping the keyboard really hard RIGHT NOW, we can get ourselves all het up and--who knows?--maybe even virtually yell loud enough to get through to those crazy characters, who will pretend they can't hear us and will virtually yell back, "I can't hear you!"

But we will have spoken. Yes, WE. Because we can do this!

After you've typed your name and have checked to make sure it has magically appeared on a line provided for just that purpose, you'll be directed to another page where you can cement your outrage for all time by putting your money where your mouth is.

Here, even though you don't know us from a hill of beans, you will give us your real name, your real address, your real phone number, your real credit card number, the amount you would like to donate to our cause (don't be chintzy now, we know who you are), and proof of citizenship (See Below).

(Below) Proof of citizenship requires these three things: An apple pie recipe (no strudel!), a notarized letter from your particular Pastor Person stating he/she has seen you in a place of worship at least 52 times in the past year, and John Wayne's real name, place of birth, and secret location of body mole.


***Sign here if you agree that things can't go on this way and firmly believe in your heart of hearts that you can actually change those things that can't go on by signing your name to an internet petition and giving us money so we can serve you even better by creating more petitions. (Be assured that we will save your name, address, phone number and credit card information for future petitions, saving you all kinds of time when you come back. You're welcome.)


X___________________________________________________ (Your honest and true signature, okay?)


 


(NOTE: Astute readers may feel they've seen this before. They would be right. I wrote this more than seven years ago. It's been calling to me. What can I say?)

Friday, February 24, 2012

No Politics Today. Fun and Games (for me) and Biz Bizness Otherwise

The grandkids are visiting and have been here for almost a week, so any attempts at writing even a semi-serious blog have been totally wasted efforts.  I would much rather be with my darlings anyway, but in order to keep my standing as a weekly blog columnist (something only I, apparently, care about) I pulled this out of the cyber-drawer where it's been sitting for a while.  If you weren't expecting much, this should do it for you.  I'm off now.  See you soon.


 There's no Bizness like Biz Bizness

Nothing earth-shaking here. Just wanted to share an advertising grab I'm finding even odder than most. Went looking for Biz Stain Fighter the other day and it wasn't easy to find. Three stores later I finally found a box sitting alone way back on a shelf. I'm trying to clean the rust stains from some old linen and lace pieces and people who do this sort of thing recommended Biz. I was busy reading the directions, and wasn't paying much attention to what else was on the box, so I didn't fully comprehend the words in the big yellow band right away. Then I did.

I haven't tried it yet, so this is neither a recommendation nor a condemnation of the product inside. The truth is, I can't get past that box.



"25% more than 30 oz." Did I save money by buying this size? It doesn't say that. It's simply a statement, and not even a complete one. So what am I supposed to do with that information? It's things like this that drive me crazy. I don't get along well with numbers anyway, and I've always hated story problems, so it could be there's an important message here that I'm just missing.

If I were into whimsy (and I'm not saying I'm not) I might imagine that lonely box sitting way back on that dark shelf getting pretty bored. It might resort to doodling or playing number games, and maybe it got caught in the middle of one.

Or maybe it was something less whimsical and more likely: Maybe the marketing team was brainstorming and someone came up with this lame attempt at drawing customers to their product. Maybe they even went so far as to produce a prototype before someone said, "That doesn't even make sense". But maybe it was too late, and some of the boxes actually got to the assembly line and onto the pallets and made it to the store shelves, where they just sat there, unnoticed, because apparently nobody really buys Biz anyway.

Whatever it is, I had to get this out. Now I can get on with my day. If it's going to drive you crazy too, I'm sorry. If it makes sense to you, if you get what they're going for, you're way too smart to be wasting your time reading this page. (But maybe you could take a minute to explain it.  In private, so I don't look like such an idiot.)

(Cross-posted at dagblog, where they like to think they have more important things to do.)